hopeless romanticism

 being as old as i am and never experiencing an ounce of romance feels so embarrassing. It almost feels shameful because in a way it does affect your self worth and self esteem. Ive never had a boyfriend, first kiss, nothing. 

One of my closest friends of 3 years went MIA on me for roughly 4 months, and now im finally learning why. Ive had a crush on him for about 3 years off and on, because theres just so much to like about him. He's a little bit older than i am, but the age gap isn't a huge deal. He recently told me that for 4 months he was caught up in a romantic entanglement during that period of time with someone, and they were like, super obsessed with each other. It even lead to them getting sorta kinda physical with each other if you catch my drift. So i read his texts which explain such things, and i just burst into tears. I dont know why but that made me upset because i was being ignored for so long, and i had assumed it was a mental health thing. Anyway, this person was not the greatest to him, and i guess i understand why he fell off the face of the earth for so long. But i cant stop crying about it. I dont know if its jealousy or envy, or just my feelings being hurt. 

I don't even think he would see me in a romantic light anyway, but I feel like when i listen to other people talk about their romantic experiences, it just sets me back even farther because i really do long to be loved in some way. I feel like a complete loser for it. Because when other people around you so effortlessly attract partners or whatever, it makes you look down on yourself because you can't have that. You think you are ugly, not pretty, not attractive, not interesting enough... whatever. 

I still feel bad about that whole situation with him because i know he'll only ever see me as a friend. I dont like him *that* much i guess, but i feel like why i am reacting so strongly because i yearn for love, and i feel bad that i was forgotten about for so many months. 

I have always wanted a boyfriend, but nobody has ever liked me that way. Im starting to get worried that my time is running out because im still an extremely unexperienced girl, and im so scared that im going to meet an experienced guy and fall in love with him, because of the fact that he is experienced and i am not, that would frighten me. Because it would make me feel less than. i have never been loved before and i would be so scared that he would compare me to other girls. Which i guess kind of connects to the entire idea that i do sort of like him, but i feel crushed because everyone around me is just... so full of experience. Which makes me feel unequal to my peers. 

I worry a lot, incase you couldn't tell. I can't stop crying. I feel like the clock is avidly ticking, because soon enough ill be a girl in her twenties who is still extremely inexperienced, and it hurts because i know most people will have experience with relationships by then. it makes me cry because if my hypothetical boyfriend dated other people before me, that would make me feel so bad about myself, because he had his firsts with someone else and i never did. I know its so dumb and stupid to think about, but i feel like my time is going to be up soon. I want to be loved by someone so badly, and to experience love itself. I feel like i never will because i am so different. It makes me cry a lot. More than it should. I told my mom how i avidly think about this, and how sad it makes me. She tried to give me hope by saying that i will meet someone, but im so scared i wont.