you can be whoever you want to be. high school does not define you

I for real just woke up (not literally, metaphorically.), and realized i can be whoever i want when i graduate. People cannot tell me who i can/cannot be, what i should wear, who i can be friends with, where to go and when, what i should be doing/shouldnt be, what box im supposed to fit into, etcetera. I will be free, and i can choose my own path instead of being forced into being something that everyone has placed upon me. 

All of high school i have been known as the weird loner type of girl, because i really had trouble making friends and people generally just... deterred from me based on appearance or whatever. i started dressing more basic and i dont even try anymore because i DONT want to be noticed or looked at. I don't have to be that girl anymore. 

I can heal, i can stop holding grudges with people i see everyday, who i will no longer see anymore, i can finally be different. I can be myself. 

I honestly lost my spark a while ago. Because of other people and how they would treat me. It kind of destroys you, really. Sometimes you let other people define you, and how you are, and how you should be. They shun you into someone you are not. And then you don't know who you are anymore. 

I went through a horribly toxic situation throughout a major portion of my junior year, and 1/2 of my senior year, and it absolutely tore me down and destroyed me until there was nothing left. 

What did i do first? I did what my inner child wanted me to do. I really thought i lost her, but i found her again. Its not much, but i started to do some coloring, and i started watching movies i had been shamed for liking. Who really cares if i enjoy marvel movies, read comics, or watch star wars? 

Genuinely, if people shun you for something you like, those people aren't your friends. People will be such haters just because they're angry and mean people. You can't change someone like that, and i don't think thats someone you should waste time on. I used to settle for less a lot, but i don't think anyone deserves my time if they don't respect what i like or avidly make fun of me for it. Even in friendship, "we accept the love we think we deserve." 

anyway, sometimes i feel stuck. Like, a lot. I think its mostly because im trapped in a specific environment i do NOT want to be in. Aka: school. I have 13 full days of school left. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it feels distant. 

I feel okay knowing i get to choose whoever i want to be without feeling so... pressured. High school, surprisingly is not real life. (ty mom for clocking my tea.) and i think it can only get better from this point forward. I can move on. And i can find peace. I can finally delete contacts, pictures, everything. I can purge myself of everything i once was, and be born anew. I can't be stuck in the same cycle forever, i can get out. You get to choose whoever you want to become, at your own pace. You can start again.