mid-week blog

 hiii happy wednesday! i have a lotttt going on this week, but! i figured i would do a little life update. friday is my eighteenth birthday, yay! school ends in eight school days, and BOOM. i graduate. this week has been so busy. i ordered my birthday cake over the weekend, started building my new wardrobe, i've been reading a ton, had a dentist appointment, and i went to hollister yesterday. i got the cutest platform flip flops because i have no summer shoes lol. 

i got them for 16 dollars because i had a TON! of coupons. i have a bunch of stuff coming in the mail tomorrow, so i will post a haul when i can. i have 8 (school) days until graduation. i picked out my dress and its so pretty!  

its a remake of one of serena's dresses from gossip girl. i ended up getting it altered to add straps because it kept falling down because it was a bit too loose at the bust, so i have to go pick it up from the seamstress by the end of the week. anyway! i will blog more soon. :)

hopeless romanticism

 being as old as i am and never experiencing an ounce of romance feels so embarrassing. It almost feels shameful because in a way it does affect your self worth and self esteem. Ive never had a boyfriend, first kiss, nothing. 

One of my closest friends of 3 years went MIA on me for roughly 4 months, and now im finally learning why. Ive had a crush on him for about 3 years off and on, because theres just so much to like about him. He's a little bit older than i am, but the age gap isn't a huge deal. He recently told me that for 4 months he was caught up in a romantic entanglement during that period of time with someone, and they were like, super obsessed with each other. It even lead to them getting sorta kinda physical with each other if you catch my drift. So i read his texts which explain such things, and i just burst into tears. I dont know why but that made me upset because i was being ignored for so long, and i had assumed it was a mental health thing. Anyway, this person was not the greatest to him, and i guess i understand why he fell off the face of the earth for so long. But i cant stop crying about it. I dont know if its jealousy or envy, or just my feelings being hurt. 

I don't even think he would see me in a romantic light anyway, but I feel like when i listen to other people talk about their romantic experiences, it just sets me back even farther because i really do long to be loved in some way. I feel like a complete loser for it. Because when other people around you so effortlessly attract partners or whatever, it makes you look down on yourself because you can't have that. You think you are ugly, not pretty, not attractive, not interesting enough... whatever. 

I still feel bad about that whole situation with him because i know he'll only ever see me as a friend. I dont like him *that* much i guess, but i feel like why i am reacting so strongly because i yearn for love, and i feel bad that i was forgotten about for so many months. 

I have always wanted a boyfriend, but nobody has ever liked me that way. Im starting to get worried that my time is running out because im still an extremely unexperienced girl, and im so scared that im going to meet an experienced guy and fall in love with him, because of the fact that he is experienced and i am not, that would frighten me. Because it would make me feel less than. i have never been loved before and i would be so scared that he would compare me to other girls. Which i guess kind of connects to the entire idea that i do sort of like him, but i feel crushed because everyone around me is just... so full of experience. Which makes me feel unequal to my peers. 

I worry a lot, incase you couldn't tell. I can't stop crying. I feel like the clock is avidly ticking, because soon enough ill be a girl in her twenties who is still extremely inexperienced, and it hurts because i know most people will have experience with relationships by then. it makes me cry because if my hypothetical boyfriend dated other people before me, that would make me feel so bad about myself, because he had his firsts with someone else and i never did. I know its so dumb and stupid to think about, but i feel like my time is going to be up soon. I want to be loved by someone so badly, and to experience love itself. I feel like i never will because i am so different. It makes me cry a lot. More than it should. I told my mom how i avidly think about this, and how sad it makes me. She tried to give me hope by saying that i will meet someone, but im so scared i wont. 

you can be whoever you want to be. high school does not define you

I for real just woke up (not literally, metaphorically.), and realized i can be whoever i want when i graduate. People cannot tell me who i can/cannot be, what i should wear, who i can be friends with, where to go and when, what i should be doing/shouldnt be, what box im supposed to fit into, etcetera. I will be free, and i can choose my own path instead of being forced into being something that everyone has placed upon me. 

All of high school i have been known as the weird loner type of girl, because i really had trouble making friends and people generally just... deterred from me based on appearance or whatever. i started dressing more basic and i dont even try anymore because i DONT want to be noticed or looked at. I don't have to be that girl anymore. 

I can heal, i can stop holding grudges with people i see everyday, who i will no longer see anymore, i can finally be different. I can be myself. 

I honestly lost my spark a while ago. Because of other people and how they would treat me. It kind of destroys you, really. Sometimes you let other people define you, and how you are, and how you should be. They shun you into someone you are not. And then you don't know who you are anymore. 

I went through a horribly toxic situation throughout a major portion of my junior year, and 1/2 of my senior year, and it absolutely tore me down and destroyed me until there was nothing left. 

What did i do first? I did what my inner child wanted me to do. I really thought i lost her, but i found her again. Its not much, but i started to do some coloring, and i started watching movies i had been shamed for liking. Who really cares if i enjoy marvel movies, read comics, or watch star wars? 

Genuinely, if people shun you for something you like, those people aren't your friends. People will be such haters just because they're angry and mean people. You can't change someone like that, and i don't think thats someone you should waste time on. I used to settle for less a lot, but i don't think anyone deserves my time if they don't respect what i like or avidly make fun of me for it. Even in friendship, "we accept the love we think we deserve." 

anyway, sometimes i feel stuck. Like, a lot. I think its mostly because im trapped in a specific environment i do NOT want to be in. Aka: school. I have 13 full days of school left. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it feels distant. 

I feel okay knowing i get to choose whoever i want to be without feeling so... pressured. High school, surprisingly is not real life. (ty mom for clocking my tea.) and i think it can only get better from this point forward. I can move on. And i can find peace. I can finally delete contacts, pictures, everything. I can purge myself of everything i once was, and be born anew. I can't be stuck in the same cycle forever, i can get out. You get to choose whoever you want to become, at your own pace. You can start again. 

may the fourth be with you! . ۫ ꣑ৎ .

happy star wars day! 

my graduation mix

soooo i am soon to be a high school graduate! 26 days away... wow. i started making a playlist to sountrack the month of may since march, lollll. all of these songs are very special to me, but they fit the vibe of being a graduate, and the experience of graduating. enjoy :)

"heroes" - david bowie

landslide - fleetwood mac

tonight, tonight (live in denver) - panic! at the disco

when you were young - the killers

you get what you give - new radicals

ribs - lorde

purple rain - prince

dont dream its over - crowded house

everybody wants to rule the world - tears for fears

little wonders - rob thomas

time to pretend - mgmt

vienna - billy joel

oldies station - twenty one pilots

next semester - twenty one pilots

team - lorde

perfect places - lorde

hard feelings / loveless - lorde

the spins - mac miller ft empire of the sun

scott street - phoebe bridgers

i know the end - phoebe bridgers

yesterday - the beatles

in my life - the beatles

kids - kyle dixon and michael stein

safe and sound - capital cities

tonight, tonight - the smashing pumpkins (yes i included the panic version AND the og.)

partys over - joey valence and brae 

have to cry - joey valence and brae

any minute now - waterparks

open season - high highs

blood - the middle east

whered all the time go? - dr dog

you and me (from descendants 2) - descendants cast

believe (from descendants) - shawn mendes

set it off (from descendants) - descendants cast

a true, true friend (acoustic) - dj pon3 / my little pony ft freddii

kids - mgmt

midnight city - m83

that green gentleman (things have changed) - panic! at the disco

barking at the moon - jenny lewis

champagne supernova - oasis

another believer - rufus wainright

sweet jane - cowboy junkies

good riddance - green day

cups (from pitch perfect) - anna kendrick

dont you (forget about me) - simple minds

the future is a foreign land - ghost

we are young - fun.

bellas finals: price tag/dont you (forget about me)/give me everything/just the way you are/party in the usa/turn the beat around (from pitch perfect) - the barden bellas

when its cold id like to die - moby

400 lux - lorde

we are the people - empire of the sun

can i call you tonight? - dayglow

new perspective - panic! at the disco

hey there delilah - plain white ts

slipping through my fingers - abba

under pressure - queen ft david bowie

young blood - the naked and famous

built this way - samantha ronson

tongue tied - grouplove

keep your head up - andy grammer

respite on the spitalfields - ghost

a world alone - lorde

punching in a dream - the naked and famous

seventeen forever - metro station

senior skip day - mac miller

OMG. forgive me for having the longest playlist of all time. 

little blog about my saturday . ۫ ꣑ৎ .

 i was sooo happy to finally get out of the house for once. my parents and i went on a little outing to a vintage mall, it was actually really cool! here are some photos. 

outside the store. i love the logo.

gorgeous patrick nagel print from the 80s... 

honestly i wanted to get it so bad but it was like $250 :(

original star wars movie poster from the 70s.

i was SO geeked. i've really been into star

wars lately so i was so excited to see this lol

cute little egg chair and vintage tvs! ive always wanted

one of those egg chairs. 

star wars cardboard cutouts. once again i was 

GEEKED, because these are also from the 70s.

after that we had some taco bell, and went to the bookstore. i got to pick out a few things for my birthday because its in 13 days. wowza! i got a few dvds and a buffy the vampire slayer comic.  that was pretty much kind of it, to be honest. i am quite the sleepy gal at the moment and i cant wait to rest my head. goodnight for now! 

my current summer mix

scar tissue - the red hot chili peppers

one sweet love - sara bareilles

dont know why - norah jones

mr jones - counting crows

soak up the sun - sheryl crow

there she goes - sixpence none the richer

sunday morning - maroon 5

good time - owl city ft carly rae jepsen

take a vacation - the young veins

float on - modest mouse

this love - maroon 5

open season - high highs

outbound - after

she will be loved - maroon 5

suddenly i see - kt tunstall

california (the oc theme) - phantom planet

semi charmed life - third eye blind 

good day - the click five

my own worst enemy - lit

hey jealousy - gin blossoms

all i wanna do - sheryl crow

breathe (2 am) - anna nalick

love song - sara bareilles

blood - the middle east

300 dreams - after

3 am - matchbox twenty

slide - the goo goo dolls

enjoy!!